I fell into a deep, deep depression. The kind where you don’t leave the house for weeks, don’t laugh or smile for months, the kind that could turn dangerous easily. I was losing the fight to keep the “gay” down. I was rescued by this new technology at the time. It started out with an ear-splitting ‘EEEIIIEE’ coming through your telephone (only landline was available then). We had a gigantic desktop computer. I can still remember the day that I found the courage to type the word G-A-Y into the search bar.
Due to depression, I had been missing many Bible meetings. My fake faith was wavering. My husband tried and tried to help me by praying. By this time, I was only rolling my eyes inside as he did.
The group of women online helped me with practical answers. They got me out of the house. Encouraging me to go for walks, absorb my surroundings. We met in a chat room filled with fans of the singer kd lang. For three months solid before I left it all, I listened to nothing but kd lang’s music. Talking with this group of women, I got the courage to attend one on kd’s live concerts. I live in Western Michigan. The concert was in Chicago. I was challenged by the women to bring flowers to kd at the stage during her performance. I was still a janitor at this point, making very little money. The bunch of flowers that I was able to get was the saddest sight. Think Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It took me several songs to get the courage to get up from my seat and walk the seemingly mile long stretch to the stage. I felt so tiny. I reached the stage and kd saw me and started moving to that end of the stage. A rambunctious woman in the front row jumped up in front of me to get to kd. kd told this woman “you better sit down, little missy, or we will get you a seatbelt.” Then turning her attention to me, she made a gesture with her hands and head to say I’m sorry that happened. She reached down to take the sad little flowers with the soggy wrapping because my hands were sweating like crazy. She lifted them to her face and made a loud sniffing sound in the microphone and said,” They smell amazing, thank you”. Bless her heart for reacting like the heroine I knew she was / is .
Cult survivor warrior 