Let’s talk about sex
Everybody is drawn to those three letters. S-E-X. It was a mystery to me. I was a virgin when I married. Everything I knew came from crazy high school party stories, TV, movies, and whatever I could piece together from watching my parents’ relationship.
I knew the basics. Peg A into slot B. What I was not prepared for was the emotional part, the power part, the restrictions.
The religion’s guidelines on sex are about as basic as it gets. There is only one acceptable way — the most boring way imaginable. No oral anything. Only two married people. Except in reality, it isn’t two. It’s one. The husband decides when and where. The wife is expected to give her husband his due. That is the sum total of the guidance.
I have nothing to compare it to — W was my only sexual partner. Whether it was him, the religious restrictions, or some combination of both, I will never know. But in ten years of sex, approximately three to four times a week, I never once climaxed. Not once. There was never any foreplay — perhaps that too fell under the restrictions. Nobody ever said. Nobody ever asked.
Was it something that happened with his ex? We never talked about it. As mentioned earlier, there was no romance. Just an expectation. A touch. And like the penny pony at the grocery store, I performed
I never had anyone to talk to, to ask questions of. I felt so alone, within a group of hundreds locally. Over time, we became more distant. My curiosity with my sexual preference began to take a strong hold in my mind. The one thing I thought I could ignore only lasted ten years. Thats ten years too long, but you cant go back to change things. This ties back to the internet and the women who helped me.
It was at this time that I learned how to use sex as a weapon or tool. Promise me this, Ill do that. The religion has very strict rules about masterbation and oral sex. This was the tool I used, even though it was not allowed. I began to deny him at some point and he came home from his job accusing me of making him masterbate because I denied him. I almost laughed out loud. What a ridiculous statement.
Fast forward to 6 months after I left. I am in California, traveling there to meet a woman. My first time being intimate with her I actually did climax. Ten years with him, nothing. One time with her, bingo.
Cult survivor warrior 